i really love you

wtf i'm angry ,sad ,.crying for.....stupid.....i dont wanna cry and waste my tears anymore.....!!! i just need to find a place to vent my anger..throw tamtrum at..!!! i dk what for but i just hate you hate you hate HATE HATE YOU !!!...WHY must i be there when u're bored or need me..when u have ur friends..u dump me aside..i hate this feeling....i want u to care for me even u're outside with ur friends.....i wish u made me feel part of your life ....even though we wld meet lessser soon.......sometimes..i'm tired of tying.....ARRRGGHH i need to bite someone or throw rocks into the big big sea....beat someone with all my lil strength i have...AAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR

WO yong yuan bu hui wang ji ni
ke shi,you shi hou,
wo wang le wo you ni,zhe ge nan peng you

"Coz you are the Brightest Star and I'm in love with who you are."

1:40 AM

Insecure,fears
hmmph....though we were only tgt for 1 month plus,sometimes the sweetness isnt there anymore.....probably,these few days he is too tired ,therefore moodless to talk ..i hope this is really the case..i'm pretty scared if his feeling for me fade .just like the past....I"AM REALLY SCARED!!! .it took me so long to be with him agn..i went through so much too......i really hope this time it would not end...but i to must be prepared for the worst..as he left me once,he wld another time... right???? ..hmmph .he hasnt said ILOVEU to me ever since we gotten back too...mb its different for the past...=X.....but stil i know needless to say.actions wil do ....but i just love to hear him say that to me ....

how i want to hear you say iloveyou ........

"Coz you are the Brightest Star and I'm in love with who you are."

8:23 AM

i dk what is this...=X
his "ex" tag at my blog saying how sweet we were and telling me during their 2 months they nv meet up.....mb she's just telling me but its also like to spite me telling me and everyone THEY were gt before and stuff.....i know i should not feel anything because me and him tgt for 33 months before..WTH why am i feeling so childish and all....i wish i was more mature....

"Coz you are the Brightest Star and I'm in love with who you are."

8:49 PM

I LOVE YOU....

that saturday i was pretty sian and tired..but mb i really cant let it go or perhaps i still need time....though u are alrd mine...when i hear u all talk abt her...i wld feel sour bitter inside...because the chalet was a great blow to me when u ........and i rmb in the past though we were tgt u liked her too but u alwys denied ..but sometimes u dont have to say i can feel it too....u may say i acuse u but still i will nv change how i think ..... i wanted to tell u how i feel..but b4 we get tgt i rmb what i promised so i jsut keep it isnide....i really hope to tell u how i feel ..i really want too...i dont wanna feel tt i'm alone facing tihs....but afterall when we were at her hse...i guess u knew ur limits..u didnt distrub her as much as the past....
but to tell the truth...smehow i always wanna know the truth how u feel abt her now and than.....though now we both are alrd good :D i'm afriad in the time to come..u will fall for her agn like the past....i'm really scared...but now i can only write it here to avoid quarrel or mb breakup ...

"Coz you are the Brightest Star and I'm in love with who you are."

2:03 PM

so good to be with you agn....
though indeed i was very sad when he asked me back due to his harness and all the terms and conditions,i'm very happy now being with him.though i'm pretty stress everytime but i hope he wld not let me be anymore someday......
so far ..every book out....i'm with him even though he go meet his friends :D....this is one thing i 'm super happy about..i cant compare to the past when we were super sweet..but if i compare to those last few months before the borke up..i should be super duper happy alrd :D....though the feeling wasnt tt same...but it was still sweet......but i know it wasnt as sweet as the past..but its alright as long we love each other ^^.....he has been treating me real good now....as for the sensitve part ..to be honest...i haven really changed abt tt ..but everything i keep inside so we wont quarrel tt might lead to a breakup forever u know.....i just wnana trust him....but i wish he really wont lie to me..because trust is really impt to me....sometimes he treats me real good that its hard to believe...gals are gals we will think ther's sth wrong when suddenyl a guy treats u well right.....heh....seriously i relaly hope our love is real this time....i really love him and only him ...
what is past is alrd the past...but the scars u've left behind cant be taken away......tts why i stil have phobia u wld leave me....or be unfaithful or lie to me...these are the main reasons i'm so scard.....but i dare not tell u.....

"Coz you are the Brightest Star and I'm in love with who you are."

9:50 PM

if only our love was deep enough ...
when he wanted to patch back i thought he wld wan to see me more since he loved me...but probably the love wasnt deep enough....i know 5 precious day he need to split (his ah ma ,mother n friends ).....my patch up wasnt a happy one though we are tgt or mb we haven are tgt yet.....but i still wanna be with u.....i listen to the songs i really cant hold back the tears.....i dont wanna tell my friends abt it because they wld have nth else to say alrd.....if u really want me back i really wished u wld have asked me out not only the hours b4 u book in....u know how much i miss you and all.....u can vent ur frustrations on me, and all...but i will cry behind ur back so u wont see i'm sad.....i will still try my best to show u my love and affection n care......i just hope u cld treat me number 1 agn...but i now u wont as your deep for me isnt tt deep after all ....
i've already agreed to ur terms so i dont wanna quarrel with u....but i wish u wld know what to do as a bf...dont have to be a wonderful one ....but i;m a gal and u're asking me back...but when i get from u is making me sad... i wish we cld meet up more so tt i can do more for u and make u feel i loved u more than another else...
love is about loving someone and also abt how tt someone make u feel....

"Coz you are the Brightest Star and I'm in love with who you are."

9:23 PM

all i ask for is just a simple or sweet recoillation ...
i'm happy he asked me back but , u asked a gal back only if u loved her alot.....but why am i feeling i;m the one asking him for patch instead...? he was sweet when he asked if i was willing to patch back with the photo story he told me.....but now they are more and more conditions....i have to be very careful if we patch if not he wld leave me forever and there wld not be anymore chances.....its like i have conditions to follow ...he doenst have...i mean being tgt just be when u're in love.....thinking abt breakup when we haven even patch....he's afraid than at the first place why u asked me and make me cry so much due to i was happy.....u should be seeing me and makeing me believe in u agn ..not me following all the rules of urs.....but because i loved him so much and this is like the first and prob last time in this 1 half years..i will jsut obey him....happy anot i will just keep it inside...i dont wan another breakup......prob because i want him back more than he wants me back even though he's asking me back now....!!.....
i just love you and i hope as time passes....i can be myself agn and not following all the tiao jians...

i;m BOBO ..cha cha's kind alrd.....i will just obey and follow the rules of this love game....
how i wish it cld be true love with no rules other than staying faithful all tt...

"Coz you are the Brightest Star and I'm in love with who you are."

5:52 PM

1 oct....the day has came.....miracle
first he asked me to move on and stuff...and by looking at those photos...i'm sure they were serious...though i cant slp and stop thinking abt him i've decided to move on alrd.....but just a week later...he told me abt finding a photo and it brings back memories of us...and asking me back...i was touched and cried because 1 and a half year its really not say very long but many things happened and i was really lost....but i didnt say yes immediately though i really wanted too...because he just broke up and surely will miss her right...and secondly he told me he was afriad i attitude,oversensitive and control him......but does he even know he has things to cahnge too.......its not i want to be like senstive but if he ask his friends ard even though they feel he sort of like her...but i dk if its true.....but today i heard from her the photo thing he talked abt was true which i;m happy...but when i know he went to print more i guess he will have his and her photo in his locker which is normal but i wonder if there were ours...?...
and before he booked out he was treatin g me so nice tt i cld not believe it...he asked me wanna go meet him ...watch movie with his friends and dinner and stuff..find me and work ...but none of it happened :(.....i dont mind if u dont do it but when u say it it makes me happy but when it doenst happend after u say it i'm really very sad....and when the day he booked out .....i;ve know the feeling isnt tt deep ....i dont feel that he's wanted me back ....he doesnt pay much attention to me....but today things were better..we talked and yeah .....but its really hot and cold

ANSWER:
i said i wld answer his patching back question when i see him...but i didnt because he didnt ask me agn....and i have doubts...but now i really wanna say YES YES YES....but he isnt asking me....i mean this kinda thing must ask personally face to face not texting right......u must be sincere and really show me u love me ,wanting me backmb he just asked me back because he know there;s someone treating me v well too...? left 3 days before he go camp and so much i wanna spent these 3 days with him too and say yes to him once more.....i've really waiting this long..i'm touched ...i'm happy......if he asked me in real life i wld cry ....it wld be
tears of joy ^^...i love you...

"Coz you are the Brightest Star and I'm in love with who you are."

12:45 AM

tt day when i had the last hug ......he asked me ....who's the one he placed first when we were tgt for the first 1.half year.....it was me....i know and i will nv forget but i was really touched tt he did and i really regret..but i really did love u from the start we were tgt.....he even knew i watched too much drama when i said ( love isnt abt the outcome its abt the process ) whatever i say he knows me too well and he will use examples to explain which is irritating but somehow i find him interesting....
dear alvin..though u will nv get to see this.....i really love being with you because you're simple though u may be playful but when u were serious with me...the life we had is just not luxurious or perfect but being poor tgt its happy,simple and hen xin fu de yi hui shi....mb somethings we just have to give up.......do you really wanna let go of this..though u are already now..but :'(...
its day 2 of ur camp...and i haven heard from u ..but lucky u contacted ur friends instead..at least i'm not so worried now :) maybe u just wanna avoid me....hmmph...thinking of you every sec ..i dk why......XOXO

"Coz you are the Brightest Star and I'm in love with who you are."

2:37 PM

The night before he went army ....
i had lots to tell him...we went to Bbox and next thing went home..but i really wish to say everything before he go in as things might change and i dont wanna regret not saying....i went home to get the goggles and went all the way to his hse as an excuse to pass him tt...but it was actually to see him and wanna talk to him....but i dk why WHY WHY whenever i see him or when he starts talking ( wo shuo bu chu kou) than he will start shouting...
so what happened was...
he flag many cabs but i didnt wanna leave yet....i cried.....yeah (F myself for crying so easily....i hate myself i cant act strong and not cry for once !!! )i always ask the same question and he always reply and repeat agn...i guess he's tired so am i ...but at least there was a chance he explained....he keep telling me i keep wanna change and i didnt....yes i admit...abt the sensitvie and silly things..but i'm trying really trying hard..but mb when i get hurt i expressed it tt way ......i regret for doing and sending him those sms because mb if i didnt we wld be tgt...i asked if he has feelings he said he dont wanna ans..later he said NO...den later say have is have but because i haven changed....if u dont love me just say so ....!!!.he keep telling me his curretn gf is play one so why i doing all this...he says agn he can break with her if i want to and all...but i know it wont help ease my pain...even though its playing i wld stil feel hurt and all....last night fianlly most of all things came out..even abt those overseas gals he was with..all the happy times after we broke up too...sometimes i dk if to believe him as u know i know his pattern really well..but i still chose to believe agn.....its a good time i give up because i know even though he says the future he doesnt know if we wld be tgt...i feel there isnt..but what he says i feel there's hope....i think i just let things be....i still will be there fore him when he need me...hopefully i wld change..i know this is the thousand times...but i'm happy he talked because sometimes he just keep quiet....i asked for a last hug....but i dk why he didnt return it.....the feeling was great but it wld be better if he embraces his arms ard my waist too....after tt he farted agn and i started to laugh agn.....actually still got lots to say ..but i already tired and words just cld not come out....and therefore we bid goodbye.....i really cant bear and i really miss him alot alot...but i cant do anything about it....
just wish him safe and sound.....
i really love you ,alvin....
still hoping we wld be tgt someday agn.....

(10.09.09) day 1 he's in army..

"Coz you are the Brightest Star and I'm in love with who you are."

1:10 PM

hopefully i still can hang on.....
during these 3 days of chalet....actually to admit....i did not really enjoy myself....because the feeling was horrible and it was really very painful....i rmb even when we broke up ...u wld be close to me ...but mb because sometimes ...i'm the only gal there....i believed u had feelings for me during tt few months but now i dont even think so .. i guess u dont anymore .....
there;s sth u might deny....
actually all these while....i 've realised who u actually really love/like.....i dont think i have the need to spell out her name....u used to say i've oversensitive ..yes i am ....but if u talk to her all tt its alright...but during the chalet u kept disturbing her....flirting with her....i was totally transparent....my pressence was not impt.....i've thought i cld take it but i cld no longer take it at one pt.....mb u were enjoying urself too much tt u didnt even noticed..i came to the chalet to spend more time...though i know i might cry and all ...i didnt wanna spoil the mood....but i over estimate my tolerance....
during the first night only i had a lil really close time with u....though i was helping u scratch ur back....put the shirt on for you ...feed you .....i felt happy....but its just tt moment....the rest of the time u treated me coldly....i love you too much till the extent i know everything about you and feel you feel....
i know you are happy being close with her.....but u feel tt there isnt any chance between you and her as ur friends like her too...and moreover u 're going NS.....u feel that u wana be with her but u cant.....tts what i feel ....if its wrong than its my bad....
i;ve been wanting to ask u to let me send u off to ns...but now i doubt i have the courage too ..because i think i will get rejected agn....

probably u dont have feelings for me....u dont have to care abt how i felt...and how sad i was during these 3 days....seeing u happy i should learn to be happy.....anyways...if i cant send you off in ns..its alright..i just wish u to be safe and sound inside.....endure every hardship ....eat and slp well inside....hopefully u wld be a better person instead of worst....u get influence easily....so much i wanna tell u ..if u have anything u can find me...call me...and all...but i doubt u wld like in the past because i'm already out of ur life......but still i will be waiting and be there when u need me...though i might try to move on but still waiting....i dk ....i really dont...because i'm tired....so much i did and i get nth in return ..but love is like this....its just one sided...i cant force anything out from you .....take care...

"Coz you are the Brightest Star and I'm in love with who you are."

12:20 PM

hmm it has been quite awhile since i've blogged here .....its like a week since i saw and contacted him :D......but deep down its really horrible.....anyways...after hearing from fabian ..i felt much better.....fabian said he think alvin still got feelings but dk what to do ...at the same point playing with his current gf.... but as u can see it might not be true...because i myself feel alvin doesnt love me anymore...secondly though he's palying with the gf,he sure have feelings right.....i mean it hurts to see ur loved one bring with another one.... but now i jsut wish to study ......2 papers left.....when my holidays come i wish i cld accomapny u whenever u are free..but i doubt u will ask me.....i wish i cld do so much more for you .but of course i cant knowing u have a gf now....it would be evil to do so u know : missing you and just wanna spend time tgt...like nights at ur grandma's place......even though we are not tgt.....hmmph....

"Coz you are the Brightest Star and I'm in love with who you are."

12:15 AM

if i would lose my memory someday .....i would wan to rmb him as
he's very nice at times....
he's very funny though his jokes dont seemed to be funny...
he 's so charming when he sings with constipated expressions....
he farts alot esp when he wakes up
he 's cutest moment is when he just wakes up ....( just like tt hamster)
he can eat alot like a PIG...
oh yeah and he LOVES SLEEPING !!!!
he looks adorable in photos ...funny when he does retarded faces :)
he loves to disturb ppl....
he loves children and playes with them (esp teaches them to dig nose :) cute )
when he's serious he looks & sounds mature but he;s not =X
he's quite strong to piggy back ppl..
he's v sweet when he gets sth for u ...
he's so lovable when he hugs u out of no where.( misses)
he's a great kisser....horny too :X
he lives simple
he's great because he dont use the com esp DOTA..

there;s more but i have to stop ....
i just wish to rmb him this way .....not all the bad parts of him :(...
he;s just the type of guy i would wanna live with in the future and have a family with him.
though i may not have the chance,i should learn to be happy and appreciate that we've been once tgt and have many HAPpy n memorable moments tgt....but still hoping theres a glimpse of hope to be tgt still :'(

i love him XOXO

"Coz you are the Brightest Star and I'm in love with who you are."

11:19 AM

sometimes i've thought things through already ...but
i always end up at the starting point of just waiting for u .....
oh man ...left with barely less than 1 month to spend more time with u ...
but now we aint on relaly good terms..how can i see u more...
tt day if i left earlier to find u all i wld not be love drunk...
but i dk why u text me at 5 am not to come...u made it sounds so nice to ask me rest
but probably u just dont wanna see me eh ....
so much again i wanna say i miss and love u damn lot....
hmmph... I ;VE decided not to work first in case there are still chances to meet up during my holidays....

"Coz you are the Brightest Star and I'm in love with who you are."

2:10 PM

i thought it would be over for u n her..but seemed tt u dont really love me..because u knew i was sad abt it and still u say u're playing but u're still with her....yeah mb u're not really into me ANYMORE!!!!!!....i came home strt away i went to see her blog...!!!..i found out u're sick....so much i wanna meet u to care for u ..being beside u taking care of u ...but i cant....than i found out that u told her ( u working hard ) to save for UR future with her..he told me tt before too and its total RUBBISH !!!she says she will change for the better because of YOU ...if
shereally does,will u be true to her ......?
u're just hurting another gal if u're playing with her
because when i sms him if he really meant what he said to her....he said .say only cannot meh...!!! it means he;'s telling me he didnt mean what he said to her...but she's taking it seriously....whereas why are u telling me this when u wan me to forget u...!!! I DONT KNOW THE TRUTH ..because its rather contridicting....u telling me agn ..say for fun...but telling her ...oh its our future...blah blah blah....!!! u're sucha asshole so much i wanna beat u up right now.....but still the love overtakes the hatred....DAMN !!!

"Coz you are the Brightest Star and I'm in love with who you are."

3:14 AM

what place am i in ur <3
one of my fav photo we took after the broke up ..!!!

its just another day......i was wondering what u were doing....i happened to go to his workplace today .....i didnt wanna go in but end up we went and i took a glance ard the shop..i cld not find u ....mb his gf went to have break with him or sth.....hmmph..nvm i should not think too much but i cant help it....i think u are tired of hearing all my nonsense...i;m tired of saying the same old things agn ..but i just cant keep it inside all these while...all these months after the break up...i've been ur spare tyre but i didnt complain....if we stayed over tgt ....the next day u just forget the night as u wont contact me much .....i didnt even mind....thinking you loved me all these while but perhaps....u 're just using me...? have u asked urself tt ...?

"Coz you are the Brightest Star and I'm in love with who you are."

9:50 PM

i need a shoulder to cry on now.....real bad....i've rmb this feeling 1 year back when he broke up with me..its back now....its really really painful...the urge to find him but know it will worsen things....
johnson just told me ..mb though he told me got feelings but now mb NOT...but dunno how to break the news to me.....yeah its true because if he love me he wld come to meet me tt day ...reply me messages....but all he didnt....i know he didnt wanna patch with me but i still tried my best to get him back...
i was just silly.....forgetting he was the one who left me..why wld he return ??
he just gave me many excuese but the fact is he just dont love me....right...? i cant wait to see him ...i really need to get all the facts right.....i need to hear it from his mouth.....
at this point...i've only left with 1 choice to let go ...
but u know i wont....i'm stubborn.i'm only hurting myself n making him hate me more...
crying day after days....hours after hours..but it didnt get better.......
i hope i'm better off dead now.....

"Coz you are the Brightest Star and I'm in love with who you are."

12:00 AM

wo duo xiang dui ni shuo...( wo ai ni )

i need to breathe.....i feel like texting him and saying all those stuff again ..but thinking twice....he would get more stress with his gf problem and mine..i guess she's sad that he didnt acc her home or sth..i know how she feels ....but if he does i wld be sad too....hai....i'm trying my best not to give him any stress or prob so mb for now i will just bear with all the sufferings.... :'(

i cant stop going to her blog ...but i can see though she's a player she likes him alot too....but i know i really love him much more than her...=X.... i rmb the first time he asked me to acc him take pay but i had test so i cant skip sch..but this time i foudn out he went with her...=X ...i bet he has met her mother too and they cab through n fro tgt....its very sad to know tt for me.....i dont wanna think what they do as in hug kiss.....i;ve thought through..i told myself its nth...they are stead of course nvm ar.....i told myself nth to be sad.....dont cry and be strong...but when i got home from west i cld not control any longer....if u were to ask me acc u for sth i wld be overjoyed .....even awhile ...

i was really putting a brave front just now at west......i use to be his gf stting there watching him play but now its someone else.....i just had to play and act per normal.....i got to peep at him though i know i cant..but i cant help it by looking at him.....he looks so happy when playing bball..he looks so serious when he plays .....its just himself when he's playing bball....he's not acting like someone he wasnt use to be....his gf was there i dk if she knows me but i know its her.....so much i wanna run away but i stayed because this is reality and i rather suffer so i cld see him a lil longer...

i;ve cried......and i dont feel tt bad because he didnt see the teears i've cried.....
i really love u but u're with someone else saying u love her too but telling me its for fun...?
confused everyday :(....

miss the times when we used to play bball tgt...tts the reason why i've been playing so much bball now......its partly b'cos of u....and myself....

"Coz you are the Brightest Star and I'm in love with who you are."

11:06 PM

i love you ,though i dont say it as often ,i hope u can see from my actions...
our love deserved another chance just like criminals get a second chance....

though i looked rather ugly in here....is very nice still.....i rmb we were not bf,gf ,but when i woke up the first person i see is you..asking me to take photo...thats so sweet ...
wo shi zhen de hen ai ni ....

no1 knows abt this blog so i doubt he will see this ...but i dont wanna let him see either because its like my diary....
i cant stop visiting the gals's blog.....though i know he keeps saying for fun or palying.....i know he just had a talk on the phone with her...:(.....actually sometimes i thought of just letting things be...but i cant because i'm only left with 1 month with him before he goes into army..and probably this will be the last goodbye for us ....as in if we meet we wld not go over the line....i know i love him more than his gf....i know i care for him more than his gf....i know i know him better than his gf.....but i cant be selfish..though he says he will break up with her if i want too...but i know he 's afriad of being lonely...he just wanna paly ard...but dont u know u are hurting me too...?
i rmb in ur phone u had this folder...( my ex) i was happy when i saw it...mb u will see our photos when u miss me... but is it still there..? i doubt so .....rmb the card i gave u for n level ....and photo .still in ur wallet??
alvin chua chin kiang....ur name is already a scar in my heart....i cant seemed to get it off neither do i wanna laser is off.....why cant u jus give our love another chance. if u said u had feelings?..

"Coz you are the Brightest Star and I'm in love with who you are."

1:19 AM

i've gave up on counting because i know the answer in my heart...
actually i ;ve waited more than a year ...a year + 4 months?? so 2 days after that wonderful night we had tgt he was already with his new gal.....yeah all he tells me all day ( IS FOR FUN ONLY...PLAYING ONLY ) but telling her ( OH ITS OVER ME AND MY EX).....my gosh....i dnno which to believe...everyone thinks that i;m the one not letting you go ,only loving you....didnt u tell them u love me too???
last night was sucha disppointment...if u cared u wld come....if u cared u wld not leave me alone will all the blackies and shiver in the cold night....if u care u wld give up ur outing after work and come.....see what u say u like/love me doenst show in ur action dear alvin !!!
guessed who i saw today....ur gf with a bunch of ppl...i doubt she recognised me but i do ....i dunno how to descirbe the feeling..at least i didnt see u holding hands with her ..it wld be worst...!!

"Coz you are the Brightest Star and I'm in love with who you are."

12:02 AM

6th day
ytd when i went to ecp...it reminded me of you again..when we used to go there every saturdays.....when i saw this couple cycling hand in hand i just wished u were there with me...forget abt ytd..
this morning i felt the worst worst worst feeling of all.....somehow ......ur current gf blog is linked to my friends...and it happens to be ur gf because it says heart alvin....u know when i saw a few post....it made me cry.....trying not to because i'm in sch but i cant help it.....i 've thought after tt day we met u wld not play with her..but after i saw this post where it says(but since you told me you and her are over..its okay )this is heartbreaking because u told u were PLAYING WITH HER AS U DONT HAVE MUCH FEELINGS FOR HER..BUT I"M DIFF .......which i;m suppose to believe...i know u met her ....whatever....nvm....but i saw the latest post ..what u are special..yes u are..but whats with the hell..dont you be mine too??...do u really love her or me...dont sweet talk to both of her and I ...

(edited) i just really love you lots...it pains me to see u with another gal telling her love stuff which i dunno if its true....though u say u have feelings for me...i'm aint happy why...?...because u are telling me but yet which some play gal.....ACTION SPEAKS LOUDER THAN WORDS u know ...if u;re palying with her than good because if not , i know u wld end up being hurt because i know a lot....

"Coz you are the Brightest Star and I'm in love with who you are."

9:05 AM

5th day...
i 'm really wondering why hasnt he text me yet...:( ...i seriously miss him and i really wanna go and find him after work today if he's working..or mb he;s out with his gf...i dk.....i'm trying to be happy...i really cant :(.....and today its sunday..the feeling is even worst..:(....heartache is really the worst pain ever......everyone has their love problems....how i wish i can be among the blessed couples.....i dont mind not having a status with you because all these while sometimes what we do its like couple but i'm not ur gf...but if we had a status tgt it wld be better....i dont have to care for u secretly........in public we cld walk hand in hand ....i dont want any rich bf,real smart,real goodlooking one....i just wanna be with someone ordinary...like you .....though u are ordinary.....u are unique because u make me smile like the way i always do from my heart...:) ...i've lost that smile since u left...i dont need you to treat me like all the other guys treat their gf....i just want u to be faithful with me and love me tts all

(edited) i dk why but i feel so angry now !!!!
and u know during these few months what we;ve been doing at times...i really wonder were u attached..? i really dont wanna accpet that u 've become a player...how can u say ( u still have feelings for me ) while being with some hongster ahlian shit...!!!! you are way much nicer than those players outside...or have u really turned into 1 of them ...? you say u are just playing with them....but see those mushy stuff u say or do it just turns me off....u dk how sad u made me feel when u play with other gals and still saying theres feelings for me....

"Coz you are the Brightest Star and I'm in love with who you are."

1:17 PM

4th day ....
i was lucky enough to fall asleep ytd because i went swimming which made me very very sleepy...though now there's a smile on my face...it doenst mean i'm alright....every min,sec,hour is like you you and only you....oh my this is real *&^$%^&*(........i have not receieve any text from u either...but from ur friend...i heard that u really dont want??....i seriously know its the time and commitement .. u are afriad u cant give......or isnt u dont wanna lose the freedom u're having with the gals..?? i cant believe or imagine u getting and knowing gals through outside or sth...is like so unlike you like the past.....=(.....you know if i wait for u for 2 years....i really dont mind but i dont have the trust and motivation to do so ...because many of my friends who are older ....the guy tell them to wait for ns to end ...AND ...end up when they really waited ...the guy didnt keep his word......and as for i know,guys like to make empty promises ,tts why i wish i dont have to wait tt long...:(.....
i am willing to be there to wait for ur call ,fetch u whenever i can...enjoy the lil time we will have in the future....i know i may say i dont mind you not Accomapnying me....but i'm williing to try and adapt.....you may say i'm as stubborn like the past...yes i am esp in love...but things that are beyond my control...i will change..though i may not...but if it takes us to last....i will try my best ..

"Coz you are the Brightest Star and I'm in love with who you are."

1:03 AM

3rd day...
i'm back to school.....i'm, still living in self denial.....i dont wanna believe you have a girlfriend still.....i dunno who u have more feelings for...:( ...i cant concentrate all these while...i tried keeping myself busy and think of going out with friends and all but still i keep thinking ......
if u really love me....u knew i would be sad if u keep playing ard with different girlfriends though not serious...why wouldnt u stop!!! mb u need company,u feel lonely but ...still.... ;( hmmph

"Coz you are the Brightest Star and I'm in love with who you are."

9:32 AM

2nd day....
my appetite got no where better....but gastric was coming so i had to eat.....felt better but sitll i'm not alright......sometimes i kept thinking what are u doing with ur gf when u said u still had feelings for me....will u think of me wwhen you're with her...?hmmph.....i rather u call me up anything u're feeling lonely rather than being a playboy who has many gals ard or short term relationships...it pains to see that you know.....after all people still say loving you is letting go but i really dont agree from the start till today....!!!.....like the song....bleeding love...i dont care what they say..!!!Im in love with you.......
are u really considering.....? i really wish to you are...
listening to all the songs in my ipod all just remind me of you....
i'm trying not to msg u back because i'm afriad i might say the wrong things to u ...but deep inside i have lots to say ...but each time i see u .....i've gone speechless...

XOXO

"Coz you are the Brightest Star and I'm in love with who you are."

12:30 AM

DAY 1 waiting for a sign
29july...cant accpet reality u have a gf..
wc came over to help me out with the puzzle frame......few secs later i heard a news from him which made me stoood there and cry.....my heart felt so so pain ,i wish i cld stop it from beating for that moment..yes alvin got a girlfriend....my heart really sank.....last week we were just so close during that night ....and now its just !!!.....i cired non stop and realised he was outside my hse waiting for wc.....so i went out....i asked dunno why i let him see me cry and i said i know u have a gf already.....i kinda regret....because i know he hates to see me cry...but crying is my best talent i guess.....i cant stop my emtions and i guess i cant control them well.... he said that he wasnt serious in relationships now....its like few weeks,days.months than break up..it means .actually during the past few months he ahd gfs too which i didnt know and still acc him at times ....though this realtionship he's having he said wasnt serious but its still tgt ...the feeling i cant nv descirbe how hurt i was ...he said he can even breakup with her now or what....i asked abt why he doenst wanna give our love another chance... there were a few reasons....he doesnt have the mood to maintain a long term BGR, he's afriad we cant last and i' wld be sad....the feeling wld be different...........i know but why not give it a try....things might be better or worst we do not know.....i dont mind the time spent tgt...i asked why u can be with other gals but not me....the answer he gave was...because other gals are different they wont feel tt sad and cry whihc i wld be sad and keep crying.....this shows he hates me to cry which i know from the very start...but i cant help it still.....was it true because he doesnt wanna hurt me deeper.....fom all he said he's saying he still has feelings but just dont wanna be tgt.....i dunno if its true;..but i really wish he would consider ......when he grabbed my both hands...i felt even more emotional..staring straight into his eyes just make me feel the strong connection.....mb i over reacted and all i dont wanna force him into thinking or soemthing....or even being tgt if he really doenst wants...but still i will wait and wait.....after the breakup....i still cared....i treated him the same....i gave whatever he wanted from me.....i 've thought after all my sincerity and all ...we cld be tgt.....if he really loves me still ....i'm delightful...but knowing when both parties love each other....cant be tgt ..its really sad..though they say though both parties love each other they may not have to be tgt...but i really wish we cld.....we dont have to do things secretly and only occasionally....I can show my affections towards u anywhere and anytime......
i'm truly sorry ...i made a mistake ytd by comparing us to other couples around us..knowing guys hate to be compared......but mb i have to accpet reality that no matter how long i wait and all i do doesnt have and we cant be like other couples anymore....
i really hope all he said last night was true and not just because he wants me to go .....but am i the only gal he says alll this to...? what if his current gf is serious abt him.....i mean i cant understnad him being with her if he said he doesnt like her....there must be some love in it right...?
the smell of him lingers ard my hands .....i really cant bear to see him go last night..because after so long i've confessed everything face to face...i;ve waited long enough...i've been single waiting for him for so long..now he's right infront of me i dont wanna let go... i wished i cld spend the days with him before he goes army..spent them with them when he books out and all...
i just wanna say.....i will try my very best to let u feel that love can be long term agn though u dont have the mood too....i wanna make u feel confident in love agn...i hope i can be the one for u.....you can lie about anything but the heart doesnt lies...
i really love you ....you are my first and only love....
i really dont wanna let go ...happiness isnt letting go for me ....if that's what u think...
you wrong !!

"Coz you are the Brightest Star and I'm in love with who you are."

12:16 PM